Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
