There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
