hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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