I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
