Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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