Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
