anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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