Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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