why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
