I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
