If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize