I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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