Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
