You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
