At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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