somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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