dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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