We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
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we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
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whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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