I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
