it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
