My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
