I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
