I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
