I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
