mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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