i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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