Are we in a gay sports bar?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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