Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
