If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
