Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
