She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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