I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Help. Why am I so naked?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
