she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
