If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
