she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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