Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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