you traded sex for a burrito?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sext me about skeletons
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
