I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
