So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
FUCK WHALES
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