I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
