WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
