he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
