Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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