he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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