still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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