How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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