Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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