I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
