Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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