sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
