mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
