he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
