I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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