Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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