You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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