My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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