I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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