you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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