Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
