Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
