True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
