I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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